Navigating Desire Discrepancy with Compassion and Connection: A Sex-Positive Guide
Desire discrepancy is when one partner wants sex more frequently or in different ways than the other. It is one of the most common challenges couples face in long-term relationships, yet it’s also one of the least talked-about, often cloaked in shame, resentment, or confusion.
So, how can couples embrace those differences and build an intimate life that works for both partners? Emily Nagoski is sex researcher and author of the book Come As You Are.
1. Start With the Science: Understand the Dual Control Model
One of the foundational tools in Nagoski’s book is the Dual Control Model of sexual response. In working with clients, I have found this helpful to describe the science of how desire works. According to this model, desire is shaped by two systems in your brain:
The accelerator (SES): responds to sexually relevant stimuli — anything your brain interprets as a turn-on.
The brakes (SIS): responds to potential threats — anything your brain interprets as a turn-off.
A desire discrepancy often arises not because one person is more “sexual” than the other, but because their brakes and accelerators respond differently. One person may have more sensitive brakes — stress, fatigue, or body image issues. Another may have a more reactive accelerator.
Understanding this dynamic invites compassion. Instead of framing the issue as “you want sex and I don’t,” you can start asking, “What’s hitting the brakes for me?” or “What might help press the accelerator for you?” This can change the conversation and invite curiosity.
2. Normalize Responsive Desire
In our culture, we often expect sexual desire to be spontaneous arising out of nowhere like in the movies. But for many (especially women, but not exclusively), responsive desire is more typical. This means you don’t feel desire until you’re already aroused, perhaps cuddling, kissing or emotional intimacy.
This can be a major revelation in desire-discrepant couples. If one partner feels broken because they don’t feel “in the mood” all the time, it helps to know that desire might come after physical closeness starts, not before. Making room for responsive desire — without pressure — can create new opportunities for connection.
3. Create a Sex-Positive Space for Communication
Sex-positivity means embracing sexual diversity, prioritizing consent, and removing shame from the conversation. In the context of desire discrepancy, it means:
Talking openly and non-judgmentally about what each partner wants and needs.
Making space for all forms of intimacy — not just intercourse.
Separating sexual frequency from love, worth, or commitment.
4. Work With, Not Against, Context
Context matters. The same kiss or hug can feel sexy in one moment and annoying in another — not because anything changed physically, but because of context: your stress levels, emotional state, environment, and more.
Creating favorable contexts — emotionally and physically — can help desire flourish more naturally, especially when responsive desire is at play.
5. Redefine What “Sex” Means in Your Relationship
Sometimes desire discrepancies are more about narrow definitions of what “sex” is supposed to be. I often encourage clients to redefine what sex and intimacy is for them. If the only valid sex is penetrative intercourse, then the partner with lower desire may feel pressure, while the other may feel deprived.
For example, here of some ideas to redefine intimacy:
Skin-to-skin cuddling
Erotic touch
Making out like teenagers
Masturbating side-by-side
6. Practice the Art of Non-Personalization
It’s important to not take desire personally. Your partner’s level of desire is not a direct reflection of your attractiveness, worth, or relationship health. Instead of interpreting lower desire as rejection, try reframing it through curiosity and care: “What’s going on for you right now?” is more productive than “Why don’t you want me?”
Desire discrepancy doesn’t need to be a source of pain or division. When you replace blame with curiosity, pressure with playfulness, and shame with compassion, desire becomes something you co-create, not something you compete over.